The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

After church yesterday Kellee had the fun memory making idea to go on a drive to Sand Creek. We rushed home, changed clothes, went potty, and headed off to grab lunch, and hit the road.

I should have taken it as a bad sign when we got into a near marriage-ending fight over the Wendy’s not giving us enough straws (it is so fun what you fight about when you are married) we powered on in a made it to Sand Creek.

A Beautiful Trail of Tears

It was beautiful it was raining and we had a few brief moments of peace until me and all my foolishness piped up and said: “Ohhh look a bridge and a little trail lets go!” No man or woman has ever spoken such stupid words in the history of the universe! As we take off into what will be forever known as the Carroll Family Trail of Tears.

It began okay the first 100 yards was pretty and picturesque. I should have taken it as a sign to turn back when we saw a sign that said “Watch for Rattlesnakes” and Kellee said “this feels like the beginning of a Stephen King novel” but no I insist we continue. As we go farther up the trail it begins to get steeper and steeper and my thighs begin to burn like the fires of Hades. The fun part of the steep trail was the slippery mud from the beautiful rain.

The deeper we get into the forest the more my good friend “Irrational Fears” shows up to come up with every scenario that will lead to death and doom. Just as I become convinced we are all going to die, Kellee finds what I call “The Cave of Death Lake” just off the trail.

The Cave of Death Lake!

At first I was relieved because I was so exhausted to happy to stop for a moment then in my mind I began to see my kids falling into the cave one by one and Kellee jumping in to save them, and them all dying and I all alone am left debating if would I jump in, to my death as well, or would I go try and get help. I scream at the kids back to the trail and trudge on.

Just as I become convinced we are all going to die, Kellee finds what I call “The Cave of Death Lake” just off the trail.

After what I still think might have been a heart attack and me at one point taking off my shirt (I had a tank top on underneath) and many breaks and much shame that my fat out of shape body can’t keep up with a four-year-old we get to the top. Kellee announces he see a bench I see it as my sanctuary as I hobble over to it a collapse I realize that the bench is on the edge of a cliff of doom!

A Literal Trail of Tears

I began to cry from fear, exhaustion, and panic. I am laying on the bench breathing like a dying dog between breaths screaming at the children not to die. Kellee begins to see the emotional pool of crazy I have become and makes the children stand back. As I have to get off of the bench the panic of having to go back down the steep muddy hill hits me and I really begin to cry like an emotional turd.

Kellee keeps telling me to keep it together for the kids I ignore his advice and begin to cry harder and say crazy things like “This is worse than the real trail of tears” “Just leave me here to die “. The kids are trying to calm me by bringing me flowers and saying sweet things I ignore them and continue to cry. 

Kellee tells me I can hold his arm the whole way down and encouraging with kind words in my highly emotional state I feel like he is patronizing me and I bark/cry “Don’t treat me like a child treat me like a princess!” whatever the heck that means he starts to become angry.

I realize he is my only hope to get off of Mount Doom and I try to just weep to myself. As I continue to imagine the millions of ways to die.

Time for Therapy and a Snack!

Needless to say, we get to the bottom alive but not well. I am sure the children will be in therapy for years and I am ashamed of my out of shape craziness and emotional mess of an existence. On the way back from not dying I came up with grandiose plans of getting in shape and eating healthy and trying the death march again and then remembered I brought Rice Krispy treats and I am lazy and ate the marshmallowy goodness.

On the way back from not dying I came up with grandiose plans of getting in shape and eating healthy and trying the death march again and then remembered I brought Rice Krispy treats. I am lazy and ate the marshmallowy goodness because snacks are cheaper than Therapy. 

Happy Trails,

Fourandnomore