Traveling can be stressful, traveling with children can be awful. Here are a few tips and tricks I have picked up over the years.
1) Fighting with you spouse will help pass the time during a long drive
2) When you can’t tell right from left it’s not a good idea to try to help you spouse read the GPS to find the exit during rush hour traffic
3) Agonize for hours over sleeping arrangements and then throw them all away and spend hours playing musical beds
4) Put all of the shoes in one location in the hotel room or spend hours searching for lost shoes
5) 1-year-olds do not enjoy the hurricane simulator at the aquarium
6) At some point in a long trip, you will give the children whatever it takes to keep the quite a chainsaw, sugar packets whatever it takes for a few seconds of peace
7) 1-year-olds do not like Imax movies
8) 1-year-olds are not fun to travel with
9) Children in the back of the vehicle will quickly figure out you cannot reach them to hit them. Practice throwing things at children in a moving vehicle or bring a long stick to hit them with.
10) Driving on the interstate in Denver traffic and a near collision will help teach your children the importance of seat belts as they witness their brother who didn’t click his seatbelt all the way head slam against the window as Dad quickly slams on the brakes and swerves to avoid a crash.
11) DON’T quickly drink a bottle of water so your son can pee in that bottle when you are stuck in rush hour traffic or you will need to pee and run to an unfamiliar grocery store nearly peeing your pants and thinking curses to your children and their big heads ruining your body
12) The zoo is a good place to spend a lot of money so you can yell ” don’t do that!” 15 million times , melt in the heat , see animals being boring, walk 20 miles while carrying an Olympic size swimming pool equivalent of water and a two year old who has lost the ability to walk, and go to the gift shop so you can pull your hair out and feel like a failure as a parent and person because your children question your financial choices
13) Just put the kids in pull ups it will save a lot of time who cares if they are humiliated ( maybe I should wear Depends see tip #1)
14) Make sure to leave favorite toys at the motel so you can listen to weeping and gnashing of teeth.
15) Make sure to question all of your husbands driving by asking ” are you sure this is right?” long angry silence is what makes memories.
16) Throwing a milkshake out of the van on the Interstate lets the kids know you mean business after hours of shushing and yelling isn’t working.
17) Giving your kids a jumbo-sized jawbreaker in a desperate attempt to quite the children is a bad idea. The children will lick them until their tongues bleed and their shirts will be covered in blue and when they pain becomes too much you have just given them a handy weapon to hurt one another with.
18) Get a DVD player for traveling or any other sort of entertainment. Beg borrow or steal do whatever you must to make this happen.